Kim Kardashian West

With a dearth of live games on TV, there’s only so much of Keeping Up With The Kardashians anyone can watch before frantically flipping the channel in search of something, anything, related to sports.

My Sunday was something out of Obscure Sports Quarterly – OSQ, for short.

If you don’t get that reference, watch the movie “Dodgeball” while we’re all social-distancing.

An absolute classic.

Just as the Average Joes and Globo Gym Purple Cobras participated in a non-traditional sport in dodge ball, I, too, found myself attempting to get my sports fix in obscure ways. And I can’t put enough of an emphasis on the word “obscure.”

My Sunday started off like any other, sipping on some coffee while attempting to be a productive member of society; or at the very least, a functioning one. Without that morning caffeine, my mind is foggier than the inside of a windshield in the dead of winter.

Amid that journey to becoming an operative human, I’ve always had sports to hold my hand along the way. In the fall and early winter, a healthy dose of NFL pregame shows and hours upon hours of football do the trick. In the summer, it’s some day-time baseball followed by a marquee night match-up to send us all to sleep. Heck, even the XFL has done the job the past few weeks.

But this Sunday, due to the COVID-19 precautions, I had nothing. My roommates and I sat in our apartment, staring at our TV screen, ferociously scrolling through the various channels in search of some sport. Any sport. Anything to take our minds off this pandemic for the time being.

After about an hour of trying, we switched over to Hulu. Surely, we could find something to grab our attention there. Amid our browsing, something caught our attention that never would normally: Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

“Let’s watch the first episode or two and just see how different they were,” we thought.

Might as well at that point. And while it sure was something to see how talented Kylie Jenner’s surgeon has been throughout the years, there’s only so much of that family we could take. We needed some kind of sport to watch to entertain ourselves.

So, I turned on the PlayStation and fired up the Madden 20 video game. Time to pit the 49ers and Saints against each other, simulating the game without any of us controlling either team. No, we can’t believe it came to that point, either. But we needed something. We were desperate.

A few hours of watching video game streamers ensued from that point. We watched damn near everything, from Fortnite to Farming Simulator to some virtual Blackjack game where we witnessed some European guy lose a grand in about five minutes. Talk about a tough draw for that guy.

All of a sudden, it was time for dinner. Might as well snag one more quality Chicago meal before all restaurants and bars are closed until the end of March, if not longer.

While eating a nice grilled chicken sandwich (trying my best here to lose some weight), I looked up to the TVs hanging across from us and witnessed what might be the greatest sport of all time: Downhill skating.

These dudes were dressed in full hockey gear and skating at top speed up and over hills, around tight turns and getting physical with one another while doing it. Absolutely electric stuff, no ifs ands or buts about it. It’s a beautiful thing to watch sports like that to broaden our horizons. I feel very cultured at the moment.

Once we got home – where we wagered whether or not the walk from our apartment to a public restroom was over or under two-and-a-half minutes – it was time for one more form of entertainment to end the night. It was time to watch Australia and New Zealand square off in an instant-classic, 2014 match-up.

We had zero clue how this one ended, other than the fact it was a one-point game. Let me tell you, we need to televise more rugby matches. I played the sport growing up, but there’s something about it that’s just so entertaining to watch. There’s no time stoppages, no pads. Just 15 men smacking the heck out of another group of 15.

Maybe this recent fascination with more obscure sports just stems back from me missing traditional, American sports. We all wanted us some March Madness right now, it was supposed to start now, remember – but that’s just simply not the card we’ve been dealt.

I had a blast watching random sports that wouldn’t typically have my attention. If you’re looking for a way to avoid the nostalgia that comes with watching highlights and re-runs of your favorite sports, take a page out of my odd Sunday.

Watch something you never would before. You might not be passionate about downhill skating, rugby, or any of those non-name-brand sports, but we don’t know anything about them for the most part. Turn them on; it’s worth a shot. Not like we have another choice.

Email: jparodi@thenewsdispatch.com. Twitter: @jack_parodi

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